First! A preview:
His eyes brimmed with tears as he listened to his own rendition of ‘Because I’m Stupid’. The acoustic music coupled with his dulcet tones singing about his own foolishness were like arrows piercing his heart. The song said all about his situation. He was stupid; he let the one he ever loved go away. He didn’t care if he died alone; all he wanted was for that person to know his feelings.
Alone once again, crying for you
Alone once again, missing for you
Baby, I love you, I’m waiting for you
“Baby... I love you so much...” his heart cried out as droplets of tears finally ran down his cheeks.
On the other side of the world, Hyung Jun felt his heart thud hard in his chest.
Hyun Joong gazed on as Hyung Jun, often called Baby, frolicked with Jung Min on the couch. They often teased each other, calling each other animal nicknames and wrestling. Hyun Joong often wished he could do the same with Baby, only instead of hitting each other playfully, he would pull Baby into his arms and rain kisses upon his rosy cheeks and full lips.
Kyu Jong looked at their leader thoughtfully. He thought he could guess at what Hyun Joong was thinking of. Their leader was often quiet, lost in his own world, but lately he was more pensive than usual. Sometimes he caught Hyun Joong looking at the maknae with such longing in his eyes; it made his own heart break.
Kyu Jong was so absorbed in his own thoughts, he didn’t realise Young Saeng had twined his fingers with the Centre’s own. Only when he felt the soft whispering of his lover did he turn around. Since they were in the living room, all Kyu Jong could do was press a swift kiss on his hyung’s cheek. Young Saeng smiled and asked what he was thinking.
“Nothing much. Just wondering about Hyun Joong hyung and Baby. I think our leader’s in love with Hyung Jun but I’m not sure if Baby will return his feelings.”
“Don’t worry, Jongie. Hyun Joong will figure something out. Now, there’s something I want your help with. Come on.” He pulled on the younger man’s hand and they left the room. Jung Min looked at them for a moment, and then exited the room as well, leaving Hyun Joong and Hyung Jun alone.
The maknae looked surprised that Jung Min would just leave without getting in the last word, but he shrugged it off and plonked himself next to Hyun Joong. As always, the leader had a soft smile just for the one he loved the most. Unfortunately, Hyung Jun had no idea how the older man felt for him.
“Hyung,” he leaned in and said in a conspiratorial whisper, “I think I’m finally in love,” smiling at the leader.
Hyun Joong’s heart began beating a tattoo. Could it be that Baby knew how he felt?
Hyung Jun’s next words pierced his heart and shattered them into pieces.
“I like this girl I met in class. I don’t know if she feels the same, but I want to tell her how I feel. How do you think I should do it?”
Even though he was hurting so much, Hyun Joong kept his smile in place.
“Just tell her. Don’t worry so much about it.”
Hyung Jun threw his arms around his hyung and kissed his cheek.
“Thank you so much! I’ll go tell her this very minute. I love you, hyung.” He jumped up and skipped to the room he shared with Jung Min. Everything was now quiet in the living room.
“I love you” is playing on my lips
Alone once again, crying for you
Without realising it, silent tears coursed down his cheeks, symbolising his broken heart.
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Hyun Joong watched Jung Min feed Hyung Jun some freshly-cut fruits in the kitchen. They looked the perfect couple, Jung Min laughing as he wiped bits of fruit from Hyung Jun’s mouth and was rewarded by a wide goofy smile and a wet kiss on the cheek. Outside, Hyun Joong was smiling indulgently, but only God knew how much he was crying inside.
Loving you is like having a beautiful wound
I look at your pretty smile also
but I cannot laugh with you
There was only so much heartbreak he could take. He loved Hyung Jun so much, even the slightest touch from other members made him jealous. He cleared his throat and muttered a low, “Good morning” before finding refuge in his bedroom. He wasn’t the type to bawl, but that time, he cried like a baby into his pillow. He cried out all his regrets that Hyung Jun didn’t know how he felt, his sorrows that he couldn’t share with Hyung Jun, his love’s heart which belonged to someone else, everything he couldn’t express to anyone.
He didn’t realise Kyu Jong was there until he felt someone shaking his shoulder. Blinking at the sudden bright light, he realised he had fallen asleep. Kyu Jong’s concerned face swam in his view. He rubbed his eyes and sat up.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Kyu Jong’s voice was laden with worry. He was passing by when he heard muffled sobs from the leader’s room.
Hyun Joong thought about lying and saying nothing was wrong, but he was so tired of keeping his feelings secret, so he told Kyu Jong (Young Saeng found out from Kyu Jong later) everything. Kyu Jong listened attentively as the older man poured out his pain and sorrow over loving someone who didn’t know how he felt.
As I watch you walking past, I’m still happy
even yet you still don’t know my heart
I should stop this and go
Just then, both of them heard shrieks as Jung Min and Hyung Jun had a pillow fight in the next room. Hyun Joong winced as the happy sound lanced through him once again. Kyu Jong jumped as the leader slammed his hand on the dressing table.
“I’ve made up my mind. I’m going away.”
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Hyung Jun switched on his iPod while busying himself with making a hot drink. The voice coming through the earphones affected him with sudden force. Hyun Joong hyung... I miss you...
Hyun Joong’s sudden decision to move out of the dorm (at least temporarily) took the group by surprise. Hyung Jun felt it was odd that Kyu Jong and Young Saeng took the news with little shock. It seemed that only Jung Min and him who were stunned at their leader’s decision.
“But... It won’t be the same without you, hyung,” Jung Min said mournfully the day Hyun Joong was supposed to leave for America. He had his arm around Hyung Jun, his handsome face wrought with sadness. The sight only strengthened Hyun Joong’s decision to leave the place and find solace somewhere away from the one he loved but did not love him back.
He plastered a smile on his face. “Don’t worry, horsey. I’ll be back soon. I just need some relaxation. Just e-mail me if you feel extra lonely.”
Just then, a horn tooted outside the door. Hyun Joong picked up his luggage bags and hugged everyone. When it came to Hyung Jun, though, he lingered a moment longer than he should have. He wished with all his might that he could take Baby with him...
“I’ll miss you, hyung. Take care,” Hyung Jun whispered, giving the older man a tight hug. Hyun Joong inhaled the fresh scent wafting off his dongsaeng and closed his eyes, savouring the feeling. He committed the scene, the feelings to memory and wrenched himself away from the only place he felt like he belonged.
Hyung Jun shook his head. The last time he saw their leader was still as crystal clear as if it had happened yesterday. Two months had passed since then and no word was received from Hyun Joong, which usually meant he was well. The rest of the group occasionally e-mailed him, which received short but informative replies. Hyung Jun couldn’t bring himself to e-mail him. He didn’t even know why. Hyun Joong only e-mailed him once to tell him he was looking at the sunset in Malibu. The way Hyun Joong described the view made him long to join his hyung and gush over the beautiful sight with one of the dearest people in the world.
Later that night, as Jung Min rolled about in his sleep, Hyung Jun put his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling. Out of nowhere, Hyun Joong’s voice floated about in his head.
I’m thinking about you so much everyday
my heart is hurting in all these sad days
‘I want to see you’ is playing on my lips
“Where did that come from?” he wondered aloud. His voice stirred Jung Min, who muttered sleepily, “Junie? Why aren’t you asleep yet?”
Hyung Jun reached over and covered Jung Min with his blanket, lulling the horse back to sleep.
“I don’t know myself,” he whispered.
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Hyun Joong re-read Kyu Jong and Young Saeng’s latest e-mail. It said that everything at home was well and everyone was enjoying the long break. Kyu Jong even added a footnote saying that Hyung Jun was healthy and happy, although he noticed that the maknae was often alone in corners, staring off into space. Kyu Jong knows me too well, he said to himself.
It had been six months since he left the sanctuary of the dorm he shared with four crazy but adorable boys. He twirled a pen in his hand as he unconsciously doodled on a piece of paper. His doodles were, as usual, strange and out of this world. Without realising it, he had sketched his name and Hyung Jun’s into an elaborate design with a heart in the middle. He looked at it and gave a short laugh, and then shook his head ruefully. Even after some time and distance apart, his love for Hyung Jun stayed as strong as ever.
He mulled over it for a bit, and then made up his mind.
“Book me a flight back to Korea. Yes, as soon as possible. Thank you.”
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Hyung Jun thought about calling Hyun Joong. His fingers were ready to dial the number when his mobile suddenly rang. He immediately answered.
“Yeobosaeyo?”
“Hey, open the door for your hyung,” the achingly familiar voice said cheerfully into the phone.
“HYUNG!” the maknae yelled, a split-second before the phone clattered onto the floor and the front door yanked open.
Hyun Joong’s smiling face was like a beacon in the dark. Hyung Jun impulsively threw his arms around the older man and buried his face in Hyun Joong’s neck. The fresh scent of lavender wafted up his nose, reminding him of all the times he stepped into the bathroom after Hyun Joong was done and the smell of his shower gel filled the room. It filled Hyung Jun with an odd but heart-warming feeling.
Hyun Joong stood stock still, surprised but very pleased at the warm welcome. He became puzzled soon after, though, when he felt his shoulder become wet. Looking down, he saw that Hyung Jun was crying.
“Hey,” he said gently, stroking his dongsaeng’s soft hair, “what’s the matter, Baby?”
Hyung Jun lifted his head. Tears streaked down his rosy cheeks and he was sobbing rather loudly, but Hyun Joong didn’t care. Strangely, the sight seemed endearing to him. He kissed the younger man’s cheek, feeling the soft skin on his lips.
“I don’t know... I’ve missed you so much,” Hyung Jun sobbed out. The maknae had a tight hold on Hyun Joong’s waist. The leader smiled and patted his head.
“Come, help me with my luggage and we can talk in my room.”
The rest of the group stared as Hyun Joong half-carried the maknae to his room, his luggage forgotten in the doorway. Kyu Jong smiled at them and lifted a bag into the living room. The other two looked at him in bewilderment at first, and then followed suit.
Hyung Jun didn’t know why exactly he burst into tears the moment he saw the leader. All he knew was that he was extraordinarily happy to see him in the flesh.
Hyun Joong gave him one of his famous grins and sat next to him on the bed. There was a sort of ruckus going on in the living room but none of them cared.
“I’m sorry for what happened just now. I didn’t know what came over me; I guess I was too happy to see you. I—“
“Don’t worry about it. Hey, tell me about the girl you fancy. How are things with her going on?”
Hyung Jun rolled his eyes. “Turns out she has a boyfriend already.” Hyun Joong began to console him but he smiled. “It’s okay. It was just a crush, nothing more. I’m way over her now. But lately... I don’t know why, but you keep slipping into my mind. I—”
His next words were silenced as Hyun Joong first placed a finger on his lips and then replaced his finger with his lips, kissing Baby softly. The kiss was a tentative one, full of shyness and hope. It took Hyung Jun by surprise. He never thought the older man was gay or that a kiss from him would feel so... right?
Hyun Joong looked at Baby’s face, searching for any sign of anger or outrage. He didn’t find any; instead, he saw a hint of bewilderment and... was it wonder?
“What was that all about?” Hyung Jun asked, his eyes blinking rapidly. The leader stroked Baby’s bangs away from his smooth forehead and pressed a kiss there. Hyung Jun looks so cute when he’s confused, thought Hyun Joong.
“I love you, Kim Hyung Jun,” he said softly, cupping the younger man’s cheek reverently. At his hyung’s confession, Hyung Jun’s eyes widened and suddenly, everything fell into place. He didn’t know how or why it happened; he only knew that his place was beside this man, now and forever.
I need you, I cannot say anything more, I want you
His heart was full to the brim with newfound love. “Saranghae, hyung,” was all he said before he leaned in for another kiss.
MY EYES!!! NOOO~ *rolls around on the floor*
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